Turkey Day Is Coming

I know it's only Tuesday and there is one more day till Thanksgiving, but TP and I are going to go out of town to visit her brother and sister-in-law and their kids tomorrow. And since I have not joined this century and gotten a laptop I will not be posting till Monday at the earliest. So I wish everyone out there a very happy Thanksgiving. Our weekend was great and we had alot of fun on Friday. We ate out at Applebees which was very good, I haven't been there in a long time. But the movie was not so good. Neither of us really liked it, much preferred the book, but it did have a few good scenes that made us laugh. So I think all in all the evening was a success.

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I am now on CD 1. AF has come at last, 6 weeks to the day. I was supposed to go to the doctor today for my 6 week check-up but that is a no go, so I have rescheduled for next week. I'm calling our KD to let him know I'll need him in about 2 1/2 weeks. And I just realized I have no ovulation test so I will probably go pick them up before we head out because I know I'll need them by Monday.

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On a different subject, I will be taking the spot of my co-worker who going on maternity leave soon. So instead of a spilt shift 6:30-9 12:30-6, I will be working 9-6. Now I have done the split shift for a year now so the 9-6 will take some getting used to, but I think it will be very nice. I guess we will see.

Night Out

Tonight when I get home, I'm going to take TP for a night out in an effort to get me out of this funk I'm in. We are going to go out to eat, where to I don't quite know yet. And we are going to see Twilight. I really like the books and she just read the first one so it will be interesting to see if the movie is as good as the book. I really don't think so because they never really are but we will see. I'll have to update later tonight.

One Week To Go

Thanksgiving is now only 1 week away and I kept having more and more bad moments. Its a time when your supposed to be surrounded by family and be thankful. And I just want to scream at the top of my lungs that I'm not thankful that I'm angry as heck! This week was supposed to be a happy one. We were going to have our 20 week ultrasound and find out what we were having. I should have had a small bump that TP and me would have noticed. But there is nothing. No baby, no bump, no ultrasound, no movement and it makes me so angry. I'm worried that it will never happen, that I had my one chance and it's now gone. I know that this is the pessimist in me talking but I can't help it. Hopefully I will be in a better place soon I just don't know when. I'm sorry that my post lately have been so down but at this time and moment that is where I'm at.

A Not So Good Day

First I just want to thank everyone for their nice comments on my last post. This land of online makes me feel like I'm not alone. Knowing that others have lost like we have, or are trying to conceive, or even have that little one like I know we too will have one day, just makes me feel so much better.

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Now on to the not feeling so much better page. This morning was a bad morning. I work at a day care working in the baby room and I think I have been doing quite well considering. The problem isn't the babies, it's the 8th month pregnant co-worker. The first week back was the hardest. I could not even be near her without starting to cry (luckily I don't work in the same room with her so I don't see her often). But the weeks have gotten better and now I'm doing good. I can be next to her and I even put my hand on her stomach the other day.

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But today, she and another co-worker were talking in my room about baby shower stuff and I was kinda talking with them. The other co-worker just had a baby 2 months ago. I was fine one minute and then it was like a switch had been flicked. I just started bawling and I couldn't stop. After about 10 mins I pulled it together and then I felt really bad because I made them feel bad. And they're telling me I should have told them to shut-up. And I could have but like I said, I had been doing fine so it was real shocking how quick it flipped.

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I'm doing ok now and I'm ready to go back in 2 hours. Still waiting for AF to get here, I hate not knowing when it will come.

One Month

Today marks exactly one month since we lost Shain. Now I don't know if anyone is actually reading this or not, but I wanted to put my story down.

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We had been talking about having a child for years but were not quite sure how we would go about it. We are financially ok but there was no way we could afford the thousands of dollars for sperm and doctors when my health benefits covered none of it. So we waited, waited to find the perfect known donor. So we could try at home for awhile and if that didn't work then we would save up to do it at a doctors office. Well in January we found him. He is a friend of the family and when we finally got up the nerve to ask him, he told us yes after about 2 weeks. Which was good, means he really thought about it.

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After I got my period in February, I started tracking my ovulation. Now I had been taking my temp. for 2 months already but I starts using OPKs now. I did that for 3 months (March-May)and then in June we got serious. June gave us some problem though. Now my period is usually near the end of the month and then I ovulate somewhere near the 10th-15th of the month. That would have put me ovulating around July 12. The problem with that is we had paid for a trip to Disney a year before for August. But we decided to go ahead and try, figuring it would not take on the first try. Imagine our surprise when on July 21 we got a positive. We were so excited!

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We went ahead and went on our trip and had a blast. I was really careful and watched what I went on. (I did alot of shopping lol) We get back and I am now 8 weeks along. The day after I started spotting, not alot but enough to worry me. And it was bright red. So here I am now going to the doctors every 2 weeks and having ultrasounds also done about every 3 weeks. They can't find a source for the bleeding but the baby is doing good. Growing just like he should. As time goes on I start to bleed a bit more, it was never more then spotting, but it went from once a day maybe 3-4 days apart to 3-4 times a day everyday. I'm on light duty then on bed rest and still I'm bleeding.

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I went to the doctors on Oct. 3rd and they determined that the bleeding was coming from some polyps I had near my cervix. It was decided to take them out. I had them removed on Oct. 8th. And I was doing ok. Then on Oct. 14th, I started to have some pain. It felt like I had a bladder infection and I felt like I ad to go to the bathroom really bad. By 7 pm I was in alot of pain and TP rushed me to the ER. No sooner do they get me in a room, my water breaks. And I have no more pain. I start bawling I had hope before but now that's gone. There is no way for the baby to survive with no fluid. They take me for an ultrasound and we see him, there is no movement because there is nothing for him to move in. Then the tech tells me that his heart is beating at 158 bpm. I wish I did not know that because now I know that he is alive and he is suffering.

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I am moved to a room in the Labor and Delivery wing. I make the nurse remove the thing that the baby goes onto. And then we wait. We are told that since he still has a heartbeat they are going to wait till the morning to do anything. If at that time he still has a heartbeat we then have some decisions to make. TP and I talk about what we are going to do in the morning. I am having no pain at this time and the night goes by slowly. At 6:30 am I use the bathroom and I realize that I am now delivering him. I call the nurse and I'm right, he is coming. The doctor comes in and I am told to push. I pushed all of 3 times and there he is. Our precious little baby boy at 16 weeks and 3 days. I am given medicine to get the placenta out and the nurses take him to clean him up a bit and take pictures of him for me.

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The meds worked and I do not have to have a D&C. The nurses brought him back to us and we held him all day. I am glad that we did. It helped us to say goodbye and give us some closure. We had our minister come and bless him and then we had a funeral home come and take him to have him cremated. We had a small memorial on Oct. 25th and it was beautiful. We miss him so much and are still grieving but its getting better day by day.

A New Addition

TP and I got a new addition to our little family. We got a puppy! We named her Mercedes, shes a 11 week old little rat terrier. She's just a doll. Such a cuddlier and already doing great on potty training. Once I get a pic I'll post it. We haven't had a dog in about 4 years but I think it'll be good for us. Nothing much else going on besides working.

Not Much

Not much is going on right now. I just finished my first week back at work and I think it went really well. I only had 2 i-feel-really-sad moments. Both were when the only 2 parents who knew I had been pregnant asked how I was. My boss had already told them what had happened so luckily I didn't have to tell them that. But just telling them I was doing ok and just taking it one day at a time made my eyes well up. I am completely exhausted though. It feels as though I have been off work for 3 months instead of 3 weeks. So I am going to take myself into a nice hot bath and then go to bed, and hopefully sleep past 5 am. Which only happens about twice a month if I'm lucky.

Wise Choice

The title about says it all. I believe the best choice was made. I didn't get to stay up long enough to see Obama give his speech (on account that I get up at 4 am) but I did watch it online this morning.

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It has been exactly 3 weeks since we lost Shain. I did most of my hardest grieving the first 2 weeks but TP is just now having a really hard time. I think because I went back to work this week, leaving her at home by herself for the first time. I'm just making sure I spend extra time with her when I'm home, and basically just being there for her to talk to. I'm hoping that I'm helping her.

Just Voted

So I have a 3 hour break during my work hours,(I work a split shift)and I went and voted. My voting site was not crowded at all so TP and I were in and out in about 15 minutes. All I have to say is !GO OBAMA!

Back From The Weekend

We got back from our camping trip last night and we had a blast. The trip was a church retreat with the UU church we go to. We got there Friday evening and had a pot luck dinner. Then they had Halloween music and games for the kids, which they just loved. We all sat around a campfire and talked and laughed. After the campfire we went on a midnight hike through the woods and it was just beautiful. The air, the coolness, the stars, just lovely. Saturday morning after breakfast I made cookies with 15 children and oh the mess they made lol. But is was great, they made them from scratch and we made about 10 dozen cookies. Then the afternoon was just different activities you could do and I learned how to play cribbage. I don't think TP and I did any of the same things. The only time I saw her was at breakfast, lunch, and dinner and then at bed time lol. Sunday morning we had church service and then it was time to go home. By the time we got to our house we were so exhausted we just crashed in our bed. It was just what we needed though, we laughed alot and really had fun.

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Today I went back to work for the first time since the miscarriage and I did pretty ok. I work at a day care with the little babies so I was worried about how I was going to do. But I did good, got a little sad in the morning but the afternoon went by just fine. I'm just taking it one day at a time.